I knew I couldn’t turn back when I wanted to turn back more than anything else
When not quitting felt like not breathing
When continuing felt like just bleeding
I knew I couldn’t turn back when it was still too easy to
When I was four feet from a forfeit
And no one would judge me for stopping
I knew I couldn’t turn back when they told me that I should
When their being right meant they were right forever
And forever is a long time to face what if
What is there to turn back to?
Back to the dreamer who wished he started?
Back to the starter who wished he finished?
Who told himself his life wouldn’t have purpose if not lived on purpose –
Who felt meaningless if he didn’t send a message –
Who couldn’t feel valuable without utility –
Who was empty when he didn’t fill a role?
If I’m going to have a neurosis
It will be one I choose
That takes me somewhere
Because I’d rather like myself for achieving nothing
Than hate myself for not doing anything
What was there to turn back to?
I knew I couldn’t turn back when the first person called me an inspiration
That they kept trying because I gave them hope
And they weren’t just watching for me to fail
I knew I couldn’t turn back when I committed myself not to
Like forces burn bridges
Like Cortez burnt boats
The port is now closed
I knew I couldn’t turn back when forward became falling
I couldn’t stop if I wanted to
And to reverse would be an act of God
For too long I didn’t answer my calling
Like my accounts were in collections
I didn’t realize that I wasn’t trying to do something
I was trying to be someone
I wasn’t trying to prove I was alive
I was trying to earn the right to die
By doing what I was privileged enough to be born to
Because the world would be lesser if I didn’t
And it hurts to move on
But every time I doubt it hurts someone else
I knew I couldn’t turn back when someone said they needed to hear what I said that day
I knew I couldn’t turn back when I was asked to come back and speak again
I knew I couldn’t turn back when someone told me I helped them clean up their life
I knew I couldn’t turn back when my children told me they wouldn’t want me to change
I knew I couldn’t turn back when the people I harmed on the way weren’t healed yet
I knew I couldn’t turn back when the secrets I held weren’t revealed yet
I knew I couldn’t turn back when the visions I saw weren’t real yet
I knew I couldn’t turn back when the obstacles didn’t make me yield yet
I knew I couldn’t turn back when I couldn’t see my starting point past the curvature of the Earth
I knew I couldn’t turn back when I finally stopped thinking “I knew I couldn’t.”